From the Profane to the Profound
Call it the sound of pleasure.
Call it the sound of Sound.Whatever you call it: Call out."
-Philip Tosho Sudo, "Zen Sex"
We have lost the art of conversation and it is getting worse with the internet. Nobody seems to talk to anybody else. It is bad for relationships between parents and children, bosses and workers, and most of all in the bedroom!
From what I have seen, a major cause of divorce is the emotional distance that plagues couples and this is felt most in sex. This is a shame because sex is the most important frontier where we should be able to be ourselves. Sex should be honest. It should be transparent. And the only way to be honest is to communicate clearly. No matter if it’s expressing pleasure or displeasure.
Some of my clients have told me that they are hesitant to speak their minds for fear of offending their partners. They say that it is their conditioning. I help them resolve this by pointing out that it is not so much about what is said but it is more about where they are coming from when they are saying it and the way that it is said. Which includes the use of the profane. It should all be done with good intentions and if they did that then there would be no offense even if four letter words are used.
One of my clients is having a tough time using the F word during sex. He had thought that using these words would cause his partner to feel degraded or humiliated. While that could have actually happened, he also admitted that he felt that he had not honestly expressed the depth of feeling at that moment if he had not used the four-letter word. I told him that he should try it when he needed to say so because in doing so, he would have let go of his inhibitions and also raised his libido.
Which reminds me of the ancient Chinese texts that urged couples to use the most vulgar words to describe their sensations. They were also advised to shout, scream or moan as loud as necessary; this would together raise their libido and root them in the moment. In these texts men and women were advised to use their throats and cry out in the act of surrendering and by opening up their breathing in this way it would allow the sexual energy to move throughout the meridians and transmit a powerful rush to the whole body.
According to Tantra teachers, Charles and Caroline Muir, the volume of your sound influences the volume of your orgasm. They say that your orgasm will last as long as you keep vocalising your breath and taking as many as several long breaths. As your orgasm starts breathe in deeply and slowly, and as you breathe out make as much noise as you can - or even sing.
G. Morrisey, author of Urge, said something similar with these words, “Silence is not always golden: of people who admitted to being too embarrassed or uncomfortable to talk about sex with their partner; 40 per cent were unsatisfied with their sex lives”.
She also added ” Whispering sweet nothings, dirty talk, groaning, shouting his or her name, yes, yes, yes, are all good forms of communication but they aren’t particularly helpful in giving good head.....”
She was of course talking on a broader scope suggesting that good sexual verbal communication needs to be clearer and more precise in order to be really effective.
A great sexual communication model to follow which I use with my clients is the DESC formula.
The DESC model consists of four elements: D-describe, E-express, S-specify, C-consequences.
D: Describe in your own words the situation and your partner’s behaviour and show the context of your sexual concern or difficulty, try to be as precise as possible.
E: Express your feelings and/or attitudes, using ‘I’ language
S: Specify your alternative. Identify your preference, say your solution.
C: Consequences. Say what will happen if the person follows or doesn’t follow your wish or expectation. Then show the shared advantage of the new behaviour.
So if you want to express a sexual pleasure or displeasure just say so. And know that it is OK as long as your intention is not to abuse but to open up and improve the flow of communication.
Everything has its place. In sex, even profanity can lead you to the profundity of pleasure.
BY SONIA
