CELEBRATING SUMMERTIME

Celebrating summertime,
Nourish yourself

Summertime and the living is…stressful. With the longer days it has meant there’s more to do and more time to do it in. So we begin the season by throwing ourselves into it wholeheartedly with wild energy, racing from picnic to party, trying to juggle the demands of work, friends and family. When even another social event seems like just another stressful demand on our routine, we know that it may be time to take stock and find a deeper meaning to all the bounty that life has to offer.

On top of it all the current economic climate and the continual talk of doom and gloom, the bushfires in Victoria, the floods in Queensland there is so much uncertainty out there that it is impossible to deal with things that are outside of our control and this creates even more stress. The government and economists don’t know how any of this will pan out. However, what is possible is that you can focus on yourself. That is the only certainty you have. Bono once wrote, "I can't change the world, but I can change the world in me." It is fair to say he changed the world.

From my own experience, this is a great time to do just that stay focused and of course extend help and support as is appropriate to as many others as you can. But the first thing you need to do is to fill up your own cup. Try not to get too distracted by all the negative happenings that are going on around you. One of my friends says that she wants to lose weight; another says she wants a new body image and yet another want’s to seriously build his health and another wants to save the planet. All of these are noble pursuits if taken in the context that really we can only begin here and now and in our own backyards.

The benefits of losing weight are enormous and getting a positive body image and feeling comfortable in ones own skin will help you feel better about yourself which boosts your confidence and self-esteem. As for the general goal of looking after your health, you would in that way be laying the foundation for overall success. The thing is to start investing in yourself. Rather than focussing on financial wealth, which by the way is important, you could focus on your health, which is the first wealth and as was pointed out recently to me the word wealth actually comes from the word meaning well - being.

To expand on this, we should always remember that another part of wealth is the value of relationships. Many people lose not just their money as shown in the credit crunch; they lose also their relationships. A good relationship is too valuable to let go of. Relationships nurture, support and empower us. So do take care of your relationships. A credit crunch is not the time to let your support system go. Nothing is.

In the midst of all this, maybe you should learn a new skill or two. There is nothing better nor more enriching than learning tantra and new intimacy and relationship skills. And it has never been easier to enjoy tantra. We have programs specially designed to fit your schedule, your life and your needs. Treat yourself to a deeply soothing and balancing tantric massage. Or recharge your mind with a stimulating evening lecture or weekend workshop or enrol in a longer course of study.

So make the end of summer the perfect time to tend to your own garden. Slow done, quiet the mind, rejuvenate the body, and make time for yourself. When you take time to focus on your own well-being, you can better take care of the things that really matter to you.

In these hectic and stressful times, taking time for yourself isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. Tantra can help you wake up your senses, nourish your body and revive your spirit.


Good Luck and have fun!

MY SEXUAL RECOVERY JOURNEY

I hope that you will find many exciting and expansive thoughts, inspirations and ideas in this blog that will delight and surprise you and that you will find a fun environment to explore pleasure, sensuality and sexuality that may easily evolve into a deeper practices of genuine love, intimacy and fulfilling relating. 

For myself from a very early age I do remember being connected with my pleasure and my sensuality and most of my childhood I had mostly happy recollections. Aside from the conflicting messages that being bought up catholic created within me, it wasn't until I reached early adulthood that I began getting very confused about sexuality and where real pleasure and love came from. I then spent a great deal of my adult life motivated by a strong desire to get sexual affection, approval and pleasure from the outside world. For the most part this usually consisted of falling madly in love or lust followed by the falling out of love and lust and all the usual emotional trauma, hurt and pain that accompanies a relationship break–up.

This lead to a repetitive pattern of co-dependance, addiction and self hatred. After my third relationship ended I then set out in the search for the reasons why this continued and this lead to in-depth exploration  of sexual healing and sexual liberation. My first discovery along the way is that it is not always an easy road to travel and can quite often feel like an uphill battle full of obstacles, detours and roadblocks and demanding nothing less than total dedication. Thankfully, there were many others just like me out there who wanted to know more and who have offered me their loving support and guidance along the way to which I am very grateful.

My mission of healing my sexuality eventually turned into an epic quest  leading me to all kinds of  “alternative” holistic studies in sexuality and in the area of Polyamory,Tantra and Taoism. It even lead me down the hallowed halls of academia pursuing post -graduate studies in human sexuality and eventually a masters degree. I would like to say that I found the answers there but I didn't. I found some missing pieces of the jigsaw puzzle but only by combining and blending all that I have learnt do I feel that this has now given me a far more realistic and grounded perspective and that this is reflected in the sessions, courses and workshops that I now offer.

I do find sex fascinating and I feel that we are just at the beginning, I believe of a incredible explosion of exciting new theory and research about human sexuality, particularly in area of women’s sexuality.The new ideas and important challenges that we are still facing even in these “progressive times” is our ability to transform our understanding and experiences of what is authentic sexuality.While much work has been done in the last few decades, there is still surprisingly much suffering in the world around these issues.

Personally, I have often felt great sadness and frustration that for many- perhaps most – people, sexual experience falls far short of what they had hoped for and what they believe others may be experiencing. There is so little honest conversation about sex that most people really have no idea what is going on in the lives of others.

The spiritual meaning and purpose of sexuality are even more difficult topics to discuss because our culture has many false beliefs about them. Discussion brings these false beliefs to the surface, triggering inner struggles, which need to be examined and surrendered if we are to progress. But the challenges that this process involves are many and the gifts are also many as in the deeper understanding these gifts it brings a greater awareness of our wholeness and the divinity our true nature.

Learning to love the many unique expressions of your sexual self, allows you to get closer to experiencing the erotic and ecstatic nature of the universe.

You do not need to do anything, just remain sitting at your table and listen.Do not even listen, just wait. Do not even wait, just be quiet, still and solitary, and the universe will expose itself to you.It has no choice.It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.   --- Franz Kafka

THE BENEFITS OF SELF PLEASURE

Recently, it was reported that Australian doctors have found a preventative measure for prostate cancer in men  - daily masturbation.

They found men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20's reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.

Another study, reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association, also found that frequent ejaculations, 21 or more a month, were linked to lower prostate cancer risk in older men, as well, compared with less frequent ejaculations of four to seven monthly.

It seems that masturbation can be a life saver because it prevents the buildup of carcinogenic substances in the prostate. By masturbating frequently you release these toxic substances and help keep your prostate healthy.

Far from being a means to simply enjoy physical sensation masturbation can also be a process to improve your health and well-being. Betty Dodson the American expert who wrote the classic Sex for One says it is a tool for singles to become self-dependant and not need a partner to satisfy them sexually. You can therefore become responsible for the fulfillment of your own desires, if you enjoyed sex with a partner then masturbation could be a bonus.

One of the many causes of frustration and unhappiness sexually in peoples’ lives is their romantic fantasies that some day someone will materialise who will solve all their problems and fulfill all their wishes. No one is coming to solve our problems. If we don’t do something to help ourselves then nothing is going to get better. The great advantage of accepting this is that now the power is put fully back into your own hands. Don’t wait for someone to fulfill you sexually because that is a very dis-empowering place to be and only leads to frustration, passivity and helplessness. You alone are responsible for your own erotic health and sexual education.

In particular, I think that women still avoid facing their own situation about what is happening for them sexually due to personal fears and blockages that are both collectively and individually reinforced. All women and men need to explore and develop their own erotic energy independently of what they may be doing with a partner.

Here are some of very good reasons why you should self-pleasure, if you really needed any. From my own practice of sex and intimacy coaching, these are some of the better ones:

1)    It feels really great and teaches you what turns you on and what doesn’t.

2)    You can shed your inhibitions and really let go and just experience pleasure without the pressure of peformance or pleasing another.

3)    It releases stress and tension and lowers blood pressure.

4)    It is completely safe and risk free as you don’t need to go out looking for a suitable partner.

5)    It expands your potential sexually because you can try different techniques.

6)    It helps you sleep better, the chemicals released during orgasm induce relaxation and promote deeper sleep.

7)    It improves circulation throughout your body and gives your skin a radiant healthy glow.

8)    It releases beneficial hormones and balances their functions and levels.

9)    It is free.

   10) You can become the master of your own pleasure.

The power is in your hands!

THE LIBERATING POWER OF TANTRA

THE LIBERATING POWER OF TANTRA 

by SONIA

It has been said that women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex.

Obviously, both come from different perspectives (Venus and Mars).

Yet the common denominator is sex. And here there should be agreement. However there is so much discord here. Most women are not satisfied and more than 70 percent said that they did not orgasm. In contrast men are more easily satisfied-mere penetration followed by ejaculation would do.

However, women have more complex notions. Many women feel that penetration does not equate with orgasm. It even goes beyond that as women feel that beyond orgasm there should be other qualities like tenderness, attentiveness and generally a feeling of being appreciated.

Enter the world of Tantra. Here the ancient art of sex elevates the men and women to a higher plane then merely some form of evolved animal. In fact Tantra treats men and women as Gods. So both sexes should appreciate themselves more and see the sex act as only part of a greater goal - a union.

It's no coincidence that the Indians use” congress” as the word to describe the sex act. It's neither the f word nor “doing it”. That's banal. Congress is loftier.

The Indians got it right. Sex is more than penetration. It is part of a greater process of union. Hence the ancient Indian texts like the Kama Sutra called intercourse an act of Congress - that means to unify. And that is the core of Tantra.

Men and women are one. They are not from Mars or Venus, as some Western philosophers would have us believe. Just as a man has a feminine side, so too do women have a masculine side. And as if to bestow to sex the rightful regard it deserves, men are Gods and women Goddesses according to Tantra.

The Tantric exchange is seen as a holy one where men and women bless each other physically, mentally, spiritually and energetically. More than that Tantra unites the sexual and spiritual sides of men and women into one. In Tantra sex it is a holy pursuit that turns making love into a loving meditation. It changes the whole nature of a sexual exchange and brings the spiritual aspect of lovemaking into our every day lives.

The way to learn all of this is to get some Tantric coaching. First you must forget all assumptions you have acquired about sex. Then step into a whole new world where you and your partner discover a new experience. Just a peak - orgasm is not the main goal in Tantra but you can (men and women) have multiple orgasms. Workshops and classes in tantra generally teach breathing techniques, how to channel energy, communication processes, non-ejaculatory orgasms for men and full body orgasms for women.

The deep benefits of studying tantra that I have witnessed is that many partnerships have been saved and helped by attending tantra classes and workshops, as couples learn a gentler, more nourishing form of union that embraces subtler energy and honours the God/ Goddess (Shiva and Shakti) coming together in holy union during lovemaking.

FROM THE PROFANE TO THE PROFOUND

From the Profane to the Profound

Call it the sound of pleasure. 

Call it the sound of Sound.
Whatever you call it: Call out."

                                                                  -Philip Tosho Sudo, "Zen Sex"

We have lost the art of conversation and it is getting worse with the internet. Nobody seems to talk to anybody else. It is bad for relationships between parents and children, bosses and workers, and most of all in the bedroom!

From what I have seen, a major cause of divorce is the emotional distance that plagues couples and this is felt most in sex. This is a shame because sex is the most important frontier where we should be able to be ourselves. Sex should be honest. It should be transparent. And the only way to be honest is to communicate clearly. No matter if it’s expressing pleasure or displeasure.

Some of my clients have told me that they are hesitant to speak their minds for fear of offending their partners. They say that it is their conditioning. I help them resolve this by pointing out that it is not so much about what is said but it is more about where they are coming from when they are saying it and the way that it is said. Which includes the use of the profane. It should all be done with good intentions and if they did that then there would be no offense even if four letter words are used.

One of my clients is having a tough time using the F word during sex. He had thought that using these words would cause his partner to feel degraded or humiliated. While that could have actually happened, he also admitted that he felt that he had not honestly expressed the depth of feeling at that moment if he had not used the four-letter word. I told him that he should try it when he needed to say so because in doing so, he would have let go of his inhibitions and also raised his libido.

Which reminds me of the ancient Chinese texts that urged couples to use the most vulgar words to describe their sensations. They were also advised to shout, scream or moan as loud as necessary; this would together raise their libido and root them in the moment. In these texts men and women were advised to use their throats and cry out in the act of surrendering and by opening up their breathing in this way it would allow the sexual energy to move throughout the meridians and transmit a powerful rush to the whole body.

According to Tantra teachers, Charles and Caroline Muir, the volume of your sound influences the volume of your orgasm. They say that your orgasm will last as long as you keep vocalising your breath and taking as many as several long breaths. As your orgasm starts breathe in deeply and slowly, and as you breathe out make as much noise as you can - or even sing.

G. Morrisey, author of Urge, said something similar with these words, “Silence is not always golden: of people who admitted to being too embarrassed or uncomfortable to talk about sex with their partner; 40 per cent were unsatisfied with their sex lives”.

She also added ” Whispering sweet nothings, dirty talk, groaning, shouting his or her name, yes, yes, yes, are all good forms of communication but they aren’t particularly helpful in giving good head.....” 

She was of course talking on a broader scope suggesting that good sexual verbal communication needs to be clearer and more precise in order to be really effective.

A great sexual communication model to follow which I use with my clients is the DESC formula.

The DESC model consists of four elements: D-describe, E-express, S-specify, C-consequences.

D: Describe in your own words the situation and your partner’s behaviour and show the context of your sexual concern or difficulty, try to be as precise as possible.

E: Express your feelings and/or attitudes, using ‘I’ language

S: Specify your alternative. Identify your preference, say your solution.

C: Consequences. Say what will happen if the person follows or doesn’t follow your wish or expectation. Then show the shared advantage of the new behaviour.

So if you want to express a sexual pleasure or displeasure just say so. And know that it is OK as long as your intention is not to abuse but to open up and improve the flow of communication.

Everything has its place. In sex, even profanity can lead you to the profundity of pleasure. 

BY SONIA

THE OCEANIC CURRENTS OF FEMALE SEXUALITY

Diving Deep

BECOME THE ULTIMATE LOVER

THE ULTIMATE LOVER

One of the most common questions I am asked by men in my practice is how can they be better lovers for the women in their lives. 

Most people see a therapist or a coach because they are having problems, but not these men they are usually openly proud about their love of sex and genuinely want to improve their skills as lovers. Some of them are young and have a high sex drive and others are in there forties and beyond and realise that they need to upgrade their techniques and maybe learn a few new tricks. 

Often they may need a clearer understanding of where they are at a baseline level and where they would like to be as lovers and how they can improve their own sexual mastery and then a slight adjustment in current sexual patterns and style as well as instruction and greater understanding of women's needs and desires. 

As each women is totally unique it is impossible to come up with one particular formula or style that will work for everyone. But here are a few things that do come out for most women. 

*Most women want to feel openly desired and cherished. 
*They want to feel wanted and loved and that there body is accepted as it is.
*They don't want to feel that they have to be perfect or have the perfect breasts and perfect body.
*That they are loved for the inside as well as the outside.
*They want to feel that you are paying attention to them and aware of their needs.
*Women need to be romanticized, loved and adored.
*Women need to be spoilt and nurtured.
*They need to feel trust and safety before they can relax and open up.
*Deception makes women crazy.
*They like to feel that the man is confident and does not play games.
*They like new things and variety and not robotic predictable behaviour. 
*They like a man who is not too serious with a sense of humour and fun.
*A man that has sense of adventure and a passion for life and sex.
*A man that can take control.

If you would like help to learn more about healing your pathways to pleasure and transforming sexuality, Intimacy and relationships then my private sessions and Become the Ultimate Lover program can support you. Phone: 0400 881 338  www.tantraflow.com

CONSCIOUS PLEASURE

THE OCEAN OF BLISS

Making each moment a delicious moment is the practice in conscious pleasure.

Our sexual energy provides us with an endless capacity with which to access this pleasure within our own bodies.

We can turn every seemingly mundane moment into a magic one by simply turning ourselves on and spreading that turn on to every cell in our body. It's like riding a wave of bliss. Sometimes your are in the excitement  of the wave and sometimes you can enjoy diving deep and being carried along by the under currents. 

Check out Isa Magdalenas description of embodied pleasure http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnB9qq8fAE0

A CLIENTS JOURNEY TO SEXUAL RECOVERY

My Journey to Sexual Recovery

Here is a chronicle of one of my clients journey towards sexual healing.

                                         

To not be able to achieve an erection is a painful thing. It hurts the ego and one’s sense of self-worth. Even worse is the lack of sexual drive as that is the very basis of  sexual dysfunction which includes erectile dysfunction.

As a young man, I did not have much sex but I did have an appetite for sex, This meant frequent masturbation and some petting and intercourse. All that thrilled me but there was always this guilt that I had done something dirty. And there were reasons for this guilt.

You see, I was threatened with hell and damnation by my Christian parents and that it was a sin to touch yourself, And when I learnt four letter words, my mouth was “washed”  with the hottest of chillies. So I grew up devaluing myself and avoiding sex. How many chances did I blow because I did not want to “ degrade” a woman! Many of them were beautiful.. Many wanted sex with me but I felt that I would not defile them and so remained inactive.

That inactivity took its toll as through the years and especially after an operation,I could not get it up. Still sex was a mental preoccupation but the body did not react, during one incident that then started me on the road to sexual rehabilitation.

I went to my doctor for a regular six-monthly check-up and he was pleased with my blood tests and other results. Then he asked me about my sex life.  I told him I had none and he reacted with surprise. “What, you don’t know how much damage you are doing to your health.! So the good doctor urged me to get sexual and prescribed Viagra.

At first, Viagra worked well but only for a short time. Eventually the effect wore off. Then he put me on Cialis and then Levitra .Same old story. Floppy Dick!

I remember the angst I went through and then I searched for a teacher. You know what they say about The Secret – wish and you will have it? Well, it worked ,even before the book was printed. I looked for and found a teacher. I bless the Internet because it led me to Sonia.

When I first came to see her two years ago, I was sexually inactive and had been so for many years. The basic problem was that I felt guilty about “taking” a woman. The guilt always lay with me and I judged myself very harshly. I had wanted women but it was confined to a mental plane.

So when I met women in the flesh, I would feel embarrassed about my nakedness and the “lust” I felt raging through my mind. My body would not respond as if to say that lust, wanting an erection and penetration were such bad things.

                                            

Sonia encouraged me out of my shell slowly and out of my self - imposed fears, shame and guilt, by focusing on the fact that I was being unfair to myself. She told me that my fear, shame and self-denial was unwarranted and had been put there by misguided people eager to impose their sexual (and religious) views onto me.

Slowly and gently, she encouraged me how to appreciate myself as a person with natural needs. Her Tantra teachings were laced with doses of healthy self-love and appreciation. It was she who taught me how to relax in the presence of a woman and to enjoy their company.

Over two years and bit by bit, her coaching which included building confidence, understanding my own function, understanding women and how to enjoy self pleasuring and I did that with instruction and the use of DVD’s which I now find very useful and educational. DVD’s play an important role in helping me learn new sex techniques, getting new perspectives of sex, learning how to pleasure a woman and learning how to get pleasure from a woman. I began to see that DVD’s are not solely for vicarious delights but for insight. The first barrier had fallen.

Then I began to deal with the misguided view that sex was solely or mainly a goal oriented exercise and only about penetration and orgasm. It is not. Sex is a whole lot more.  It is building rapport, getting into the mood, understanding your partner’s needs, communication, intimacy and much more. Foreplay is the most enjoyable lead-up to sex .It is the main part and penetration which lasts the shortest of the whole process is just a small part.

I learnt that hands, touch, lips the other parts of the body are just as vital as the penis which in my case had been a flop (no pun intended) for a long while. Slowly, I began to appreciate that it did not matter so much that my penis was not hard. After all, I rarely had sex and I was above 60. 

Then slowly more and more a miracle unfolded during more experiential sessions to take me further on my journey. I began to gain confidence. Just imagine what I had gone through with  women. They were vague and this led to many misunderstandings. Sex should be enjoyable and should not be clouded by innuendos. I began to feel very much at ease. I dared to be bold and created a feeling and a sense of safety.

It is important that people like me should be told how well they are doing. It is a boost to know that you can please a woman sexually. After all, it is all about learning. It is a better solution to sexual dysfunction than any other way.

Honesty with yourself and your teacher is important in both ways. Only then can you make progress. I took a vow to be always honest and it has paid off. 

Also I have found that it pays not to be pushy and insist on having your way. I am by nature not a pushy person and this has worked to my advantage.

The best medicine is desire! But for desire to arise, you need to have all the conditions in place.

Most importantly, be relaxed. One sure way to achieve that is not to have expectations. Tantra and sexual healing is a natural path and it will take you on the course you need. So there’s no need to fret if you can’t get hard. Nothing is wasted in Tantra. Every moment is a reward for your persistence. 

Certainly, I have been rewarded.

And so days after my sessions, I found myself thinking  – what was said and how I felt. I then got a surprise! I got an erection. Not really hard but hard enough with no Viagra. Can you beat that?

The mind is all powerful.

I know that in my case, I am only beginning to get back to normalcy and the truth is that I will need these sessions for a long while yet even if I am in a regular relationship.

If you would like help with erectile dysfunction and healing transforming sexuality, Intimacy and relationships then my private tantra sessions can support you.

< Why adult sex education is so important and what are the benefits of adult sex education and how can it improve your lovemaking and your sensual lives.